Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I want is dick and wine.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
