just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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