i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How does one acquire holy water?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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