Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
