Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
