4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
