I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
