I'm laying in your front yard are you home
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize