Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(585): View more from New York

Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

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(207): View more from Maine

Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(207): View more from Maine

Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.

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(727): View more from Florida

I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.

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