Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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