There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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