she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
