Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize