and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
