told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize