But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
