i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize