my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
