when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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