I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
