I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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