how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
