omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
