we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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