alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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