In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
