I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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