my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The air taste purple.
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