you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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