Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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