Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
