Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
