I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
