when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
