did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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