I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize