If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
