why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
