Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
