mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
