I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
