Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize