The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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