tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
