I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
