take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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