You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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