I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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