Someone shit on the floor
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God I need to hump something, right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
