I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
