my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
