She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
