Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
