why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
