If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
