Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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