I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
