Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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