Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize