Im at strip club and am horny
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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