it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
