im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
