Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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